Lessons from the Floor, Volume 1

• My cat LOVES when I meditate.
• TV is the enemy of mindful living.
• It does not take a lot of time to begin to notice the postive effects of zazen.
• The above bullet point is true, even if I only practice three times in two weeks.
• When I focus on my breath, the moment and my posture, I become peace. My cat and my clients have noticed this.
• While practicing, my thoughts/feelings frequently wander to deciding to become a vegetarian.

Okay, so I'm doing my best to not turn this into an apology, as apparently faithfulness to a spiritual practice is a very difficult thing to develop. My previous post asserts that any time dedicated to mindfulness will be fruitful and I have found this to be true. I will continue to move forward with my practice and live with intention.

Experiment: No Attainment with Nothing to Attain

As you, my theoretical reader, may have noticed by now, I am very thinking-oriented when it comes to my spirituality. Unfortunately, everything I've studied about feeling connected to a higher power mentions the importance of actually doing something, not thinking about doing something.

My previous adventures (church, zen center, yoga classes) have all been okay, but unfulfilling. Most likely because I have associated being inconsistent in my practice with feelings of guilt. Also, I keep waiting for something to happen. A new consciousness, speaking in tongues, something. Which is probably why it never "worked".

Well, I'm over that.

I listened to a podcast yesterday that said something to the effect of "any time spent in practice is useful". According to the Heart Sutra, there is nothing to attain in spiritual practice. It is sufficient to just be.

Here's where the experiment part comes in: I would like to spend 20 minutes per day doing some form of religious practice. I would like to rotate the type of practice I do every 28 days. This does not preclude engaging in multiple forms of practice on any given day, I just want to start manifesting a consistent attempt to pursue the divine.

I will start tomorrow. This first 28 days will be dedicated to zazen, or seated meditation. I will write about this on a regular basis.

I am not making a promise here, but I am attempting to set an intention for the next month of my life.

INTENTION:

To approach spirituality in a humble, personal and committed way

Comparative Shopping

A fair and balanced website on comparative religion:

http://www.patheos.com/

Mission #1: Intelligent Design

The most recent quandary that has been keeping up at night has to do with the concept of intelligent design. Intelligent design accepts evolution as a process that has taken millennia to accomplish and has resulted in the natural world as we experience it. The main posit of intelligent design is that there is a Creator pushing or urging (the syntax depends upon whom you read) the universe in a particular direction. Looking directly at Genesis, creation is"good" and humans are"very good"; the highest of all creations. As human beings, we are able to empathize with one another, we have morals/ethics/values and we can create art and tools.

Okay. Here's my dilemma: Evolution = natural selection, right? The traits that are most effective in aiding the survival of a particular species are the traits that get passed down. But there is a jump that believers in intelligent design make that I am not prepared to make: there is a "right" or "ideal" or "very good" result. Are "effective" and "right" the same thing? Is our position at the top of the food chain purely evolution or the result of being chosen for the job?

In my personal life, I have attempted to apply the concepts of the Buddhist Eightfold Path in order to determine the most "effective" options or choices at any given moment in my life. For example, is it more effective for me to call my mother in order to prevent her from laying yet another guilt trip on me or to keep watching that rerun of The Simpsons? Not is it "right" for me to call her and "wrong" for me to avoid her? (And for the record, it generally depends on the episode.)

I know that jumping from surviving family dynamics to questioning whether or not there is a Creator or creative force that causes us to live and move and have our being is a tad dramatic. Yet, I can't help but think that it's a little ego-centric to assume that since we have a pre-frontal cortex that we are what God's favorite children. Maybe our ability to have morals and emotions is just an effective way to enhance the survival of our species.

And then again, I really love being a human.

The current books I will be looking to for information to assist me in arriving at a personal conclusion: Genesis, The Blind Watchmaker: Why Evidence of Evolution Reveals a Universe without Design by Richard Dawkins and Radical Amazement: Contemplative Lessons from Black Holes, Supernovas and Other Wonders of the Universe by Judy Cannato.

Other recommendations and discussion WELCOME! I would be especially grateful for a reliable source regarding brain evolution.

Recovering Calvinist

A large portion of my struggle has to do with my introduction into "organized religion". (I hate that term, by the bye; makes me think of a mafia consisting of priests and women in floral print, all conspiring to take over the world... Wait a minute?!) Both of my parents are aging hippies and Frank Zappa fans.

"DAMN THE MAN"

"TAX THE CHURCHES"

"PUFF, PUFF, GIVE"


So, I did what any teenager would do, I rebelled...

But I went the way of Alex P. Keaton.

When I was 17, my family started to fall apart, due primarily to my mother's drinking and my father's marijuana-induced laissez-faire. I became angry at everyone, only I didn't know it was anger then. I thought it was a case of being incredibly right when everyone else was incredibly wrong. Not a good state of mind to be in when looking for "Truth".

Enter the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA). (Please note: MANY wonderful people are members of this church; people whom I love and respect. As such, I love and respect the denomination today.) The denomination is very conservative: no woman speaking in church, homosexuality is wrong, pro-life, predestination, the works. To make my little teenage head spin even further, the particular congregation I joined was very cerebral. Sunday mornings were a bit like a seminary lecture. And, at the time, this worked for me. It provided me with ammunition. And woe betide those who disagreed with me.

I went to college like that. Pissed off and armed with the "word of God" and the "right" way to interpret it. I refer to this period of my life as my "psycho-Christian-phase".

And then some major changes took place and my anger moved in a whole new direction. I fell in love with a woman and got extremely angry at God for giving me these wonderful, but supposedly sinful feelings. I took theology classes that blew my mind. I saw how awful the people around me felt when I was "evangelizing" to them. I heard the hatred that came out of my mouth. I began to spew my rage towards the other people still practicing the brand of Christianity of which I had been a part for so long. In the meantime, I tried my hand at many other brands of religion and spirituality and opened my mind to science.

I went out into the world like that. Still pissed off and now armed with the ability to "see through the lies" and get real. I genuinely believed that all of "those people" were fooling themselves as I had been.

Because, here's the real deal, even at the height of my "psycho-Christianity", I didn't know what to believe. Oh, I knew I was right, but inside I was confused and lonely. So, that's what everyone else must be feeling.

I like to think I've grown up. I do know that I've been steadily letting go of all that anger, but now, I'm left with a patchwork spirituality. I have more questions than ever. I'm excited and scared about the opportunity to be gut-wrenchingly honest with myself as I seek out "Truth".

I am ready to look at all possibilities.

In the beginning...

Why blog? What would I say? What do I have to contribute to the ever-growing blogosphere?

I'm still not sure.

And that's the point. I am a person that has struggled with the questions of spirituality throughout much of my life. I have experimented with Catholicism, Yoga, Calvinism, Buddhism, Quakerism, Theism, Taoism, Scientology and 12-Step Spirituality. I once considered purchasing a book about Zoroastrianism.

I have so many questions and so few answers, even though I pretend that I've got everything together. I plan to use this as a place to wrestle with my quest for the divine. I don't want to resent my past anymore. I want to seek peace. I am not foolish enough to think that I will ever have "it" all figured out ("it" being the Truth). I just want to find my path.

I also don't want to sound like a petulant child or a whinny teenager, so I am hopeful that this will not turn into a maudlin bitch fest about meaninglessness.

We shall see.