Recovering Calvinist

A large portion of my struggle has to do with my introduction into "organized religion". (I hate that term, by the bye; makes me think of a mafia consisting of priests and women in floral print, all conspiring to take over the world... Wait a minute?!) Both of my parents are aging hippies and Frank Zappa fans.

"DAMN THE MAN"

"TAX THE CHURCHES"

"PUFF, PUFF, GIVE"


So, I did what any teenager would do, I rebelled...

But I went the way of Alex P. Keaton.

When I was 17, my family started to fall apart, due primarily to my mother's drinking and my father's marijuana-induced laissez-faire. I became angry at everyone, only I didn't know it was anger then. I thought it was a case of being incredibly right when everyone else was incredibly wrong. Not a good state of mind to be in when looking for "Truth".

Enter the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA). (Please note: MANY wonderful people are members of this church; people whom I love and respect. As such, I love and respect the denomination today.) The denomination is very conservative: no woman speaking in church, homosexuality is wrong, pro-life, predestination, the works. To make my little teenage head spin even further, the particular congregation I joined was very cerebral. Sunday mornings were a bit like a seminary lecture. And, at the time, this worked for me. It provided me with ammunition. And woe betide those who disagreed with me.

I went to college like that. Pissed off and armed with the "word of God" and the "right" way to interpret it. I refer to this period of my life as my "psycho-Christian-phase".

And then some major changes took place and my anger moved in a whole new direction. I fell in love with a woman and got extremely angry at God for giving me these wonderful, but supposedly sinful feelings. I took theology classes that blew my mind. I saw how awful the people around me felt when I was "evangelizing" to them. I heard the hatred that came out of my mouth. I began to spew my rage towards the other people still practicing the brand of Christianity of which I had been a part for so long. In the meantime, I tried my hand at many other brands of religion and spirituality and opened my mind to science.

I went out into the world like that. Still pissed off and now armed with the ability to "see through the lies" and get real. I genuinely believed that all of "those people" were fooling themselves as I had been.

Because, here's the real deal, even at the height of my "psycho-Christianity", I didn't know what to believe. Oh, I knew I was right, but inside I was confused and lonely. So, that's what everyone else must be feeling.

I like to think I've grown up. I do know that I've been steadily letting go of all that anger, but now, I'm left with a patchwork spirituality. I have more questions than ever. I'm excited and scared about the opportunity to be gut-wrenchingly honest with myself as I seek out "Truth".

I am ready to look at all possibilities.

In the beginning...

Why blog? What would I say? What do I have to contribute to the ever-growing blogosphere?

I'm still not sure.

And that's the point. I am a person that has struggled with the questions of spirituality throughout much of my life. I have experimented with Catholicism, Yoga, Calvinism, Buddhism, Quakerism, Theism, Taoism, Scientology and 12-Step Spirituality. I once considered purchasing a book about Zoroastrianism.

I have so many questions and so few answers, even though I pretend that I've got everything together. I plan to use this as a place to wrestle with my quest for the divine. I don't want to resent my past anymore. I want to seek peace. I am not foolish enough to think that I will ever have "it" all figured out ("it" being the Truth). I just want to find my path.

I also don't want to sound like a petulant child or a whinny teenager, so I am hopeful that this will not turn into a maudlin bitch fest about meaninglessness.

We shall see.